AUGUST 2026

Virgo (8/23-9/22)

You know that little plastic film you're supposed to peel off new electronics? You're leaving too many of them on. So Virgo of you. Don’t freak out, it’s just fingerprints.

Libra (9/23-10/22)

The idea of joining a cult is becoming more and more enticing to you. In all fairness, it does look pretty fun.  

Scorpio (10/23-11/21)

The sexual tension you're sensing? That's actually just poor indoor ventilation. Crack a window before you ruin another friendship. 

Sagittarius (11/22-12/21)

You're lying about having seen at least three movies everyone assumes you've seen. Just admit you've never watched 2001: A Space Odyssey. Nobody under 40 has, because they don’t need to, for obvious reasons.¹

¹https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Interstellar_(film) 

Capricorn (12/22-1/19)

You have the confidence of someone who has never once checked the weather before leaving the house. Keep it.

Aquarius (1/20-2/18)

Not every edible contains ancient wisdom.

Sometimes it's just 20mg and an entire sleeve of Ritz crackers, followed by an entire sleeve of Oreos.

You have arrived, my friend.. ✨ 

Pisces (2/19-3/20)

Your intuition has gotten so strong lately (congrats), you’ve moved on to just making shit up (take it easy).

You'll insist you "know" something despite having absolutely no evidence, then spend the rest of the day looking for proof that you're right. Sound familiar?

Congratulations. You’re a podcast bro. 

Aries (3/21-4/19)

Let’s just set the record straight. You don't have resting bitch face. You have "I already emailed you about this" face. The differentiating subtleties are razor thin, but important.

Taurus (4/20-5/20)

You are so cute! You deserve a little treat.

In fact, you deserve to be averaging six little treats a day.

At some point they're just meals with better branding. 

Gemini (5/21-6/20)

Google stole your sign. Sue them.  

Cancer (6/21-7/22)

You are absolutely, unequivocally over your ex.

Which is why you've checked their Instagram exactly zero times today.

Unfortunately, the universe is a messy little bitch. You'll hear their favorite song in CVS, someone with their exact BO will jog past you, and before you know it you'll be in scroll city again.

Leave it. They're someone else's problem now.