FEBRUARY 2026

Pisces (2/19-3/20)

 Your intuition is working overtime, which means every neutral interaction
now feels loaded. You’ll read meaning into text punctuation!!!?!! You’ll sense betrayal
in ………..silence………. Fortunately, you can ALWAYS blame Mercury being in retrograde
(we didn’t check, and neither will anyone else.).

Aries (3/21-4/19)

 Your energy is far too bright for mornings before 10:00am. This is your sign to sleep longer and do your dishes less frequently. Always remember; what others call “messy” you can call “bold”. Oh, and also, try a softer toilet paper.

Taurus (4/20-5/20)

Your cup overfloweth with misplaced affection. You may be tempted to hug a cactus this month. Do it. The lesson will be worth the pain tenfold. Maybe you’ll finally learn a thing or two about getting too close to pricks. 

Gemini (5/21-6/20)

You talk too much.

Cancer (6/21-7/22)

Your emotions are a hurricane, contained in a fragile, throwable tea cup. You’re testing people this month — not on purpose, but effectively. Note the fumblers, then promptly ghost them (or splash them with hurricane tea). 

Leo (7/23-8/22)

This month, your confidence arrives before you do. You’ll catch yourself delivering grand entrances into completely ordinary rooms, and honestly, no one can stop you. Consider backless dresses or assless chaps — it’s good for circulation. 

Virgo (8/23-9/22)

You want to organize your intrusive thoughts like a Google Drive, but some emotions refuse categorization. They’re unlabeled, badly named, and impossible to make sense of. Resist fixing them. Sometimes “unresolved” is the correct status. Resist. Fixing. Them.

Libra (9/23-10/22)

Your charm is operating at a level that borders on suspicious (especially for this time of year). People are gonna start asking your opinion on matters you have no business weighing in on, and you’ll still answer with the serene authority of a swan gliding across a lake it definitely does not own. Beware of trying to choose anything with more than two options; the cosmos recommends coin flips. 

Scorpio (10/23-11/21)

This time of year SUCKS for you. It’s completely understandable and acceptable for you to be grouchy. One surefire way to turn loneliness into a strong desire for solitude is to download ALL of the dating apps with notifications on. It will get so unbelievably annoying, you’ll miss the days when all that was waiting for you was your special nighttime gummies and a 10 hour Ken Burns doc series. 

Sagittarius (11/22-12/21)

You’re restless, huh? Makes sense. You need novelty like other people need oxygen. Unfortunately, your impulse control is currently being supervised by an opossum. Don’t do anything rash, and don’t do anything that will give you a rash. May we suggest more cardio and low-level crime?

Capricorn (12/22-1/19)

You’ve been described as a “natural leader,” and “kind of intense about receipts.” This month, try being chill — or at least pretend convincingly. We’re not saying try ketamine… we’re just mentioning that it exists.