JANUARY 2026

Aquarius (1/20-2/18)

Your brain is a sleek start-up that just fired everyone except for the intern. This is perfect, you’re right in the eye of the storm where creeping insanity meets style. Go with it.

Pisces (2/19-3/20)

 You’re going to come across a commercial that makes you cry every time it comes on. Don’t resist it. It’s good to cry (esp since you’re a water sign).

Aries (3/21-4/19)

 You recently started a huge project and you’re already bored with it. That’s actually fine, just pick a new huge thing and make it your whole personality for the next few weeks.

Taurus (4/20-5/20)

You pride yourself on being a completionist, but you still haven’t seen all 6 seasons of The Sopranos. For some reason you stopped at season 4, and you’ve been meaning to jump back in, but it’s been months or maybe even years now and it feels like a whole thing. Advice not available. 

Gemini (5/21-6/20)

You’ve never met a thought you didn’t vocalize. Try keeping one secret this month—just to feel something.

Cancer (6/21-7/22)

This is going to sound crazy, but… avoid crabs for the time-being. And yes, we are referring to both kinds. Neither will benefit you at this time. 

Leo (7/23-8/22)

The ads you’re seeing on Instagram are getting sexier. Check your private browsing settings. Make your adjustments, and get a hold of yourself. 

Virgo (8/23-9/22)

You’re two spreadsheets away from inner peace. Remember: perfectionism is a hobby, not a personality. Once you do achieve organizational nirvana, though, maybe name the file something other than “FINAL_final_THIS_ONE_v6.”

Libra (9/23-10/22)

You’re torn between achieving balance and being dramatic about achieving balance. Both involve buying a shit ton of candles, so you really can’t lose either way. Congrats on that much at least. 

Scorpio (10/23-11/21)

You’ve had a lucky streak of fortuitous chance encounters. You really, really ought to text them back. They don’t do that thing with just anyone you know… Ignoring these opportunities is like ignoring a really sexy fire alarm. Just silly. 

Sagittarius (11/22-12/21)

You keep having that dream about Roseanne Barr. You’ll be thrilled to know she’s been having the same dream about you. Do not contact her. It’d be NOTHING like the dream. And avoid wearing polyester this month.