MARCH 2026

Aries (3/21-4/19)

 You’ve got the juice lately. You woke up ready for battle but no one else RSVP’d. Try winning an argument from 2014 in the shower instead. Or get into an email fight with your uncle (you know which one).

Taurus (4/20-5/20)

Comfort is calling and you are SO available. Growth is important, but have you considered bedrot? There might still be some sweats at the bottom of your hamper… pull those babies out, make sure that crotch stain is definitely spaghetti sauce, then you’ll be all systems go for a little treat and a little nap. 

Gemini (5/21-6/20)

You have very little to complain about, which is honestly your biggest complaint. The bar is high, and yet you’re still scanning the horizon for a mild inconvenience to adopt as a personality. Whenever dissatisfaction creeps in, remember: you have the single best birthday window for outdoor events. People would kill for your seasonal privilege. Lean into it! Wear linen pants! Say “al fresco” unironically! Be insufferable this summer. Picnic aggressively. It’s such a vibe, and you deserve to be smug about it.

Cancer (6/21-7/22)

Remember that nobody has the password to your feelings… and sometimes you forget it too. This is a great time to connect with yourself, stay grounded, and watch movies that make you cry; Bambi, Precious, the incinerator scene in Toy Story 3… Go fuck yourself up a little, you’ll thank us later. 

Leo (7/23-8/22)

Wow, look at you go baby! Creative energy is high, charisma is higher, and yes, people are staring. Try not to dominate the spotlight too much though. You aren’t Kobe (and before you google it, he was a Virgo, so no, it’s not even close).  

Virgo (8/23-9/22)

So you take spring cleaning seriously. That’s fine. As long as you know you’re
totally coping with an emotional void. Try going through the junk drawers of your heart, dear Virgo… you may find more than AAA batteries and a couple little baggies from
that one night.

Libra (9/23-10/22)

You want peace, beauty, and unanimous approval, ideally delivered in a gift bag. You seem a bit overwhelmed lately, which is understandable because you are currently holding six competing desires, three mild grudges, and have been holding in a fart most of the afternoon. We won’t say what of these you should let go of, but we can promise relief if you choose wisely.  

Scorpio (10/23-11/21)

This is a great time to ignore ALL of your natural instincts. Why are you so randy lately? It’s probably because of mercury . . . poisoning. 

Sagittarius (11/22-12/21)

You want expansion! Adventure! A new horizon! A new personality with better lighting! Routine currently feels like a personal attack, and you may attempt to solve this by leaving work mid-shift like a beautiful, ungovernable horse. A word to the wise: enlightenment might be hiding in the part where you actually follow through. (lol not happening, we know).

Capricorn (12/22-1/19)

You’re a bit wound up lately. The stars would like you to unclench, but your butt won’t allow it. It’s time to determine what voices you give authority and deference to. We’re not saying don’t listen to your butt, but it’s all about balance.

Aquarius (1/20-2/18)

Your brain is buffering. Not broken, just spinning with the little rainbow wheel. You should’ve saved, but there’s not much you can do about it now. All there is left is hope (it worked in Star Wars, it can work for you).