MAY 2026

Gemini (5/21-6/20)

You felt something small and made it big. Then you felt bad about making it big. Now you’re thinking about it again.

Cancer (6/21-7/22)

You’re having multiple conversations at once, and at least one of them is with yourself. Someone will ask “hey, how’s it going?” and you’ll respond with a layered anecdote involving a barista, a dream you had, and a strong opinion about chairs… None of it answers their question. But that’s okay, because you know that it’s going great. 

Leo (7/23-8/22)

You’re used to making an impact when you enter a room. Try tip-toeing this week. See what it’s like to observe without affecting. Look quietly and closely, and you will soon discover how fucking boring life is when it doesn’t involve you.  

Virgo (8/23-9/22)

You have very specific interests, and you light up when you talk about them. It’s just a shame no one quite matches your enthusiasm. Keep it up anyway. Fuck ‘em if they can’t take a passionate lecture.

Libra (9/23-10/22)

You’re deciding between two options: one is stable, the other will ruin your week in an interesting way. You keep calling it “balance”. It’s actually just curiosity about consequences. Either way, you’re sexy… which is not helping.  

Scorpio (10/23-11/21)

Do you ever get tired of people finding out you’re a Scorpio and then going “Ohhhhh!” like suddenly they know exactly how horny you are? They probably have no idea how horny you are! Zip ‘em back up and turn your back on these presumptive onlookers. They don’t deserve you.  

Sagittarius (11/22-12/21)

You’re chasing a good story at all costs. It’s charming. It’s a little stressful for others. It’s kind of like being a hamster on a very fast wheel. You’re an absolute squeaky thrill, but how are you gonna get off this thing?

Capricorn (12/22-1/19)

This month, let yourself enjoy something without optimizing it. May we suggest bottom shelf reposado and an old, hard lime? You can’t fix what ain’t broken.

Aquarius (1/20-2/18)

You’re usually three thoughts ahead, and bored of explaining the first one. You tend to over-engineer simple decisions. This month, trust your first answer—it was probably right before you workshopped it into confusion.

Pisces (2/19-3/20)

You feel everything deeply, even things that didn’t happen to you. Just think
about the possibilities!

Aries (3/21-4/19)

You’re steady, dependable, and don’t need a lot of attention to prove your worth. People have relied on you more than they realized, and you rarely let them down. You saved Chrysler from bankruptcy in the 80s. You can honestly do anything you put your mind to. Stay away from your Taurus friends though… they’re direct competitors.