OCTOBER 2026
Scorpio (10/23-11/21)
You’ve been getting really good at detecting bullshit lately.
Unfortunately, you’ve also started detecting bullshit where there is no bullshit.
Your neighbor says they’re “just taking a walk”? Yeah fucking right.
Hostess says it should just be a few minutes? Lying liar.
Your Uber driver says they’re outside? Bullshit.
No advice. Just noticing.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21)
You’ve developed a sudden interest in becoming a person who knows how to do things.
Fermenting vegetables, curing salmon into lox, juicing, sharpening knives, making your own pasta.
This is exciting! Just please remember that buying $240 worth of equipment is not the same thing as acquiring a hobby. But it is close enough.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19)
YYou recently discovered that some people don't read restaurant menus online before they arrive.
They just… show up??
And you thought you lived on the edge… 😮💨
Aquarius (1/20-2/18)
You’re going to discover that you actually enjoy something you’ve spent years insisting you hate.
Maybe it’s golf. Maybe it’s reality TV. Maybe it’s a chain restaurant you’ve always considered beneath you.
Welcome to the unique freedom of joy that has outgrown its associated shame.
When you’re here, you’re family. 🫂
Pisces (2/19-3/20)
You’re having a hard time distinguishing between being struck by a genuine intuition and suddenly just feeling like talking.
Unfortunately, both feel exactly the same.
It’s up to you to decide if they’ve always been, in fact, one thing.
Aries (3/21-4/19)
You’ve been saying “fuck it” with increasing frequency.
This is either a sign of personal growth or the beginning of a very expensive mistake.
Either way, you seem happier. 🥹
Taurus (4/20-5/20)
You’ve recently discovered a new little treat!
You’re also already on little treat number four today.
At this point, you ought to consider whether these are still treats or if you’ve simply invented a new meal schedule.
Gemini (5/21-6/20)
Within 72 hours, you’ll have strong opinions.
Cancer (6/21-7/22)
Within 72 hours, you’ll have a strong digestive crisis.
Leo (7/23-8/22)
Be careful around squirrels this week. We can’t say they’re your enemy, but we can guarantee they are not your friend.
Virgo (8/23-9/22)
You’re going to receive a solid compliment from a complete stranger this month.
You will think about it later while brushing your teeth. Your smile will make the toothpaste foam drip down your chin, which will make you smile even more. It’s gonna be a great morning.
It will sustain you for approximately six weeks.
All that to say - unless you have a backup, don’t put your shirt on until after you brush your teeth.