SEPTEMBER 2026

Libra (9/23-10/22)

Your desire to see every side of an argument is becoming a problem. Especially since the arguments are getting so stupid lately. Just go with your gut. Shoot from the hip. Flip a coin. You’ll still get it right more than most. 

Scorpio (10/23-11/21)

In one of your many internet rabbit hole adventures, you recently learned that wombats poop cubes. You'd like to return to the person you were in the beforetimes, but time only moves in one direction → :( 

Sagittarius (11/22-12/21)

Every time you visit a place, you find yourself saying “I could totally live here!”

Unfortunately, your "here" changes constantly.

Last month it was Lisbon. Last week it was a cabin in Vermont. Tomorrow it’ll be an island off Greece where their whole thing is pistachios.

Wherever you go, there you are.

Honestly, just eat some nuts and stay put. 

Capricorn (12/22-1/19)

You tried to buy a new pillow.

Four hours later you've read 17 comparison articles, watched 9 YouTube reviews, downloaded a PDF from the International Sleep Foundation, and somehow learned that there are microplastics in everybody’s testicles.

You still haven't bought a pillow.

Aquarius (1/20-2/18)

You have a new idea.

This is exciting!

Don’t tell anyone about it. That’s when the questions start coming, and the ones you hadn’t thought of will be a serious buzzkill. 

Pisces (2/19-3/20)

You're starting to believe every coincidence is a sign.

You found a penny? The universe is speaking.

 Your AirPods died at exactly 11:11? The cosmos are calling out to you.

You saw your ex's favorite color? Girl, please.

Aries (3/21-4/19)

You've entered a phase where every invitation requires a cost-benefit analysis, and you’re becoming more and more aware of the value of a “No, thanks”.

Taurus (4/20-5/20)

We actually have a question for you:

Do you ever think "I’m easygoing" while also knowing exactly how you want everything done?

We’re just trying to figure out if this is a Taurus thing, or just a bitch thing. 

Gemini (5/21-6/20)

The algorithm got you eating tinned fish. It feels kind of cute, right? Skin glowing? Sure, but it’s mostly just a great way to cope with your personal economic downturn.  

Cancer (6/21-7/22)

You remember everything.

Not important things. Not useful things.

The exact shirt someone wore the first time they disappointed you? Absolutely.

The name of a barista you spoke to once in 2019? Obviously.

Now quick! Mom’s birthday?... we’ll wait…

Weird how the brain does that, huh. 

Leo (7/23-8/22)

If you haven’t seen The Comeback on HBO, you should seriously check it out. Once you get past the second-hand embarrassment, you’ll be rooting for Valerie Cherish in a way that will feel deeply personal. It’s honestly Lisa Kudrow’s finest work. And why should we be surprised? She’s a Leo after all.