13 New Year's Resolutions that will not make you a better you.

13 New Year's Resolutions that will not make you a better you.

Well that was quick/that took forever! It feels like it was just a year ago we were saying goodbye to one year, and hello to another, and making plans to be different people with different habits because of what the calendar says. This is completely acceptable behavior. 

Typically speaking, in the quiet fog of a New Year's morning, as we pick up the cups, plates, explosives, and shards of glass from last night's festivities, it seems like the perfect time to start brainstorming our New Year's Resolutions. While your throbbing headache may suggest you should make "Stop Drinking" your first resolution, we think that's fine, but also unimaginative. 

We're here to help! Take your pick from our wonderful list of resolutions, damn near guaranteed to make your 2022 uhhhh different. Definitely different. 


1. Work out only one half of your body, and avoid using the other. 


2. Try and work “time will tell..” into your conversations at least 3 times per week. 


3. Drink your coffee/tea while it’s still too hot.


4. Learn all the TikTok dances, but show and tell no one. 


5. Start saying “ohhhhh baby!” after every meal.


6. Go through your contact list and text "Bazinga!" to every name/number you don't recognize. 


7. Use a 2020 calendar, and see how many appointments you miss at the end of the year!


8. Buy bland, hard candies in bulk and start offering them to friends and strangers whenever possible. 


9. Join a gym and get to know all the trainers names, but only use the sauna.


10. Smoke a blunt right out of its packaging, as it was ostensibly intended. 


11. Take some ambien and text all of your exes on the same group thread. 


12. Stop using your turn signals. 


13. Visit your nearest magic shop and max out at least one credit card. 


Try out any of these aspirational challenges and you may or may not have a different year than all the ones previous. Try out all of them and your year will almost certainly be different. Not better. But, different.